On Laziness and Resistance
A while ago I read an article called “Laziness Does Not Exist” and was in total agreement with the author. They argue that what looks like laziness from the outside is actually just the presence of unseen barriers. When people can’t get things done, there’s something else at play. Nobody is “lazy” - they just don’t have the time, energy, desire, skills or plan for how to make what they want to happen happen.
I’ve also heard many of my fellow students confess to me that they think they are “lazy” or feel lazy for not being able to keep up with all of their coursework, even when in the next breath they mention all of the other things going on in their busy life. If you are feeling like you are “lazy,” maybe it’s time to take a step back and see if there’s really something else blocking your path. Do you just not have the energy to work on this task right now? It may be hard, but try having compassion for yourself. I know how difficult it can be to give up being a perfectionist in everything you do, in fact, that may be how you were able to get into graduate school in the first place. But beating yourself up is not going to get that paper written or those readings done any faster. Instead it might be better to try doing some focusing to see what’s really preventing you from finishing your task.
If you’re low on motivation, one thing that often inspires me is watching Ali Abdaal’s videos. Ali has a great video on the “myth of motivation” (the main idea is that you don’t start with motivation and then work, you start with work and then gain motivation) and another video focusing on procrastination. Maybe putting some systems in place to help you deal with your workflow would be helpful, or simply starting work in 5-minute chunks. This week, for example, I purposely chose to read the readings I was most interested in to start off with, so that I would be able to knock some items off my to-do list and gain motivation. I also broke down a writing task I had to complete into small chunks and worked on one chunk at a time instead of forcing myself to do everything at once (I wrote some very rough outline notes one day, typed up a shitty rough draft the next, and will give myself a day or two to let the ideas sit and simmer, then come back with fresh eyes to edit and submit in a few days).
Recently, one of the readings in my therapeutic communication course talked about a similar idea: the idea of a client’s resistance in therapy. Enright (1980) argues that what looks like resistance from the outside is actually just a misunderstanding on the part of the therapist. He believes that if a client resists in therapy, then they know something that we as the therapist don’t know, and we need to find out what that is as soon as possible, otherwise we will be wasting both our and the client’s time.
These are the conditions for success in therapy, according to Enright:
The client must acknowledgement that they are willing to be fully present with their experience in therapy, that they have actively chosen to be in therapy. They must see that they are a participant in the process and are vulnerable to what happens in therapy.
Clients must take responsibility for this first choice to be in therapy. Enright points out that even if someone else “made them” come, they really did choose to attend therapy over whatever other consequences were threatened, and they are still free to choose those consequences instead.
Enright insists that if clients get stuck on this step, this is not getting in the way of “moving on” with therapy, that is the therapy. The client in this case needs to work on acknowledging responsibility for their choices, so if this happens you are actually lucky to have stumbled onto such a central issue early on.
The client must have an idea of what their actual problem is. Perhaps they came to therapy because someone else told them they had to or should, but if they themselves don’t experience that issue as a problem, there’s no point to working on it. You can only work on problems that the client thinks are real problems, things that are genuinely problems for them.
Ask the client how they experience that issue as a problem for themselves. Speak in specifics, not generalities.
Enright gives two examples to illustrate: The first is an overweight woman who comes in with the initial problem of dealing with her weight, but it’s discovered that the “real” problem for her is dealing with her critical mother who is always talking about her weight and being overweight is not really an issue for the client. The second is a severely underweight woman who claims that her true problem is nothing to do with her weight but her parent’s excessive concern over her weight. Enright proposes that when a client tells you something is not a problem for them, just get on their side and wholeheartedly believe them. Eventually if it is a problem, therapy will move in that direction. But if you force someone to deal with something they personally don’t experience as a problem, you will encounter ‘resistance’ (a.k.a. the patient’s inner wisdom that now is not the right time to go there). In this second example, once Enright earned the client’s trust, she did eventually acknowledge that her weight was a problem for her after all, on her own terms.
Is the client’s goal reachable? What may seem like resistance may actually be the client knowing internally that this problem is not able to be solved the way they were hoping.
If the problem cannot truly be solved the way the client is hoping, go back to step 2 (finding out what is really a problem for them) and keep working. Clients may end up feeling grief about letting go of their fantasy, but also relief that they can let go of an unsolveable problem or unrealistic solution.
If the problem can be solved, make sure they are genuinely convinced this is true and not just the client still clinging to an impossible fantasy. Enright recommends asking the client to see if they have any “vague inner sense” of whether their desired outcome is really possible or not.
Is the therapist the right fit for the client? Does the client trust that you will really be able to help them with this specific problem? If you do not address the client’s hesitations and concerns with you as a therapist in the beginning, they may then later blame you for the lack of progress when things get uncomfortable in therapy.
Are there competing intentions for solving the problem? What is the secondary gain for the client when they experience this problem? For example, does getting better mean they would have to go back to a crappy job that they hate? It’s important to discover and discuss these intentions with the client. Not so that you can argue against them, but just to be aware of them and how they may cause the client to be reluctant to ‘solve’ their ‘problem.’ Sometimes the symptom is a solution for something else.
Enright ends the chapter by saying that sometimes the client’s resistance is simply their inner wisdom, knowing that it would not be worth it to upset their whole life at this time just to achieve one small goal or solve some problem. He also reminds the reader that exiting therapy at any one of these steps can be considered a success, even if it’s the first step. If the client simply does not want to “do the work” at this time, that is a valid and acceptable endpoint to therapy, and terminating “early” can be considered a success, since the client and therapist are not wasting time working on something the client does not want to really work on.
Perhaps if you are feeling “lazy” there are some questions you could ask yourself. Are there unseen barriers in your way? Are you just unsure how to begin your task? Is this task something you really, deep down, want to be doing? Is your goal actually reachable? Are your expectations for yourself realistic? Is there some deeper reason you are avoiding your work (or whatever it is you “want” to be doing)? Check in with yourself and your own inner wisdom before jumping to criticizing yourself for being lazy.
Sometimes you’ve just got to be realistic with yourself about the amount of spoons you have left to deal with life on a given day. You might be being too hard on yourself and need adjust your expectations. You might have too much on your plate right now. You might need rest. You might be experiencing burnout. You might be reaching for a goal you secretly don’t really want to accomplish.
Whatever the case, I hope after thinking about it, you realize you are not really lazy. I hope you don’t beat yourself up too much over your productivity levels. I believe that when you don’t have invisible barriers in your way and really do want to accomplish something, you’re able to do it. I wish you the best in finding out what it is that you do want to do, and accomplishing your goals.
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References:
Enright, John (1980). Therapy Without Resistance. Mill Valley, CA: PRO TELOS. (I was unable to find a link for this resource unfortunately, but Enright also wrote a book called “Enlightening Gestalt: Waking Up From the Nightmare” available on Amazon.)
Devon Price, the author of the aforementioned laziness article also wrote a book under the same title, “Laziness Does Not Exist,” and recently did a speaking event at the California Institute of Integral Studies which is available to view free online.